Beyond Burnout

A month went by, and I was still so exhausted, I could hardly move.  Darryl kept telling me that I was in over my head, that I needed to tell The Agency that two boys were too much.  The truth was that W was too much. He wasn't naughty, per se, beyond your typical three-year-old naughtiness, but his clinginess and neediness were taxing beyond anything I had experienced before.

Now, before you go judging and say, "dumbass, what did you expect," it wasn't like needy kids were new to me.  I'm a teacher.  I've juggled my fair share of kids in trauma, kids who needed nonstop attention in class (and out), kids who used me as a therapist, kids who counted on me as a surrogate mother, kids who I bought meals for, clothes for, school supplies for.  Most of the time, this was all simultaneous.

But this was a new kind of neediness.  Even Erin, when she would come over to visit with Bram, noticed it.  "You are going to make yourself sick," she'd warn me.  And she was right.  It was physically, mentally, and emotionally draining me.  I felt like I couldn't even enjoy Baby O because all my attention was on W, all the time.  All.  The. Time.

Even after a month had gone by, Darryl felt no closeness to these boys, and it made me cry.  I felt like I was alone... and I had Tiernen!

It was incredibly overwhelming.

And the worst part was that I felt incredibly guilty about being burned out.  I felt guilty that I had fought for these boys and now I was struggling.  

What was wrong with me???

Darryl suggested I send them back, but I was ADAMANT that I would not.  These boys had been through so much, I did not want to add to it.  Plus, I was told that it was only a matter of time before they were going to their grandmother's home.

So I carried on, the best I could, and tried to enjoy it.