Foster Poster Girl

Do you tell strangers that your baby is your foster child?

I'm on a number of different foster parenting support Facebook pages, and there is definitely a difference of opinion on this one.

Some people believe it is breaking confidentiality big time to disclose the "foster" status of a child.  I see this very differently.

If someone just compliments the baby offhandedly, like, "what a beautiful baby!" I will simply respond with, "thank you!" and smile.

Sometimes, these interactions with strangers are longer, say a couple next to you in a restaurant or a woman behind you on a long grocery line.  Because Bram has light hair and eyes, and I do not, I will often get, "where'd he get his blue eyes from?"  If Darryl isn't there too, they might follow up with, "from daddy?"  The truth is, yes, Bram DID get his blue eyes from his dad... just not from someone I was married to.

I see this as a prime opportunity to do a little educatin' (after all, I am a teacher).  If the conversation lasts more than a simple exchange, I will say, "actually, he's my foster son."

The responses vary, but they are always along the lines of:

"Oh, good for you."

"God bless you!"

"You are doing such a service."

Ah, if they only knew about my anti-altruistic self!  :)

Sometimes the questions get a little more personal:

"Will you be able to adopt him?"

"How long do you get to 'keep' him?"

"Do you get paid?"

And, like the saint that I am, I answer them patiently and honestly:  no, he's not up for adoption; the court decides how long he is in care on a month-to-month basis; there is a stipend that covers the baby's clothes and food and toys and diapers, but it isn't pay.

And then comes the wallop of the question that 9 out of 10 people always say:  

"Oh, I could never do it.  I'd get too attached and wouldn't want to give them back!"

And here is where I mostly keep quiet.  What I want to say is that therein lies the problem:  it isn't about "you."  It really isn't about any of the adults in the picture (my empty nest joke notwithstanding).  It is about these kids who were taken from the only home they have known and placed with a stranger.  It is about loving them as much as you can for as long as you can.  

Yup, you get attached, attached in a big, big way.  But that's good.  Something would be wrong with you if you didn't get attached.  You wouldn't be a good candidate for foster care if you didn't form a connection with a little person who lived in your home for a day, a week, a month, a year.

And when they leave, man, it sucks big time.  There are no words to describe it, even when they do go home, which of course is the goal.  It still hurts like someone stabbed you in the heart.  But you do it anyway when the next phone call comes for the next placement. 

Because really, what's the alternative?  These kids cannot stay in their current situation for whatever reason.  They don't have family members that are willing or able (or both) to care for them.  What's the alternative?  Romanian orphange-type situations?  I would rather have my heart broken a million times than think of Bram or Baby O or any other child in that type of situation.

So, I tell my foster story to the strangers I meet who comment on the beautiful baby boy I happen to have in my arms at the moment.  Maybe I'll inspire someone to who was on the fence to become a foster parent.  

Just call me the foster parent poster child.