Other Families' Values

The Family Bed

When I was in college in Maine, an older woman from the community was cleaning out her personal library and donated hundreds of books to our dorm.  They were stacked in the lobby and had that awesome "old book" smell that I loved (and still love) so very much.

I couldn't resist, and so I picked up a few.  One that caught my eye was a book for expecting and new moms.  I was neither expecting nor a new mom, but since I've always loved babies (I read Dr. Spock cover-to-cover in seventh grade), I picked it up.

Thumbing through it, I picked up these little morsels of advice for the "modern" 1950's mom-to-be:

Smoke up to ten cigarettes a day to calm yourself and your baby... 

Have a cocktail or two every night with your husband to assure a good night's sleep...

Modern science knows what is best for your new baby...

We might be horrified by this now, but back then, this was the belief.  So many other "set in stone" beliefs have evolved over the years.  Once upon a time, the best way to put your baby to sleep was on his belly and the safest place for her to be in the car was in her mother's arms.  Times change, advice changes, and the "right" way to raise your baby changes.

Since I have not been a new mother for a very long time, I was unaware of the new mandate:  The ABCs of safe sleep.  

Call me a big hippy, but Tiernen slept in my bed from birth until the day before she started kindergarten.  I read the book The Family Bed while I was pregnant and thought it was amazing. I never had a bassinet or a Pack n Play or a crib for her, not ever.    As a breastfeeding mom, it was just so much easier to just roll over and nurse her than to have to get up in the night and feed her.

Except when you are a foster parent, it isn't about your values or your convenience.  Obviously you can't breastfeed a foster baby (even if you were lactating, and I haven't been for many, many years).  Co-sleeping, which is what it is called now, is a big no-no.  

Except here's the deal:  Bram was used to co-sleeping with his mom.  He spent the first four months of his life co-sleeping with her and the thought of sleeping in a crib or Pack n Play, even in our room, was not doing it for him.

The Agency did not allow co-sleeping, so we spent many, many, many a sleepless night trying to get him used to sleeping alone.  It was hell.  

I felt so badly for the little guy.  We would rock him to sleep and the second his head hit the mattress:  wide awake and screaming.  Then we'd start the process all over again.

I know that we've all heard horror stories about babies dying from co-sleeping.  It's horrible, and my heart goes out to those poor parents.  

But here are some other stats that might interest you:

 https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/05/21/601289695/is-sleeping-with-your-baby-as-dangerous-as-doctors-say

The "right" way to raise your baby is changing all the time.  Who knows if in 50 years, new parents will be horrified that we put babies in cribs.  But until then, I'll just be following The Agency's rules...