Living in the Unknown

No matter how long you have a foster child, there is one thought that is constantly on your mind, gnawing at you, dimming your happiness:  when will he go home?

Of course, in most foster cases, nearly 60% have the goal of "reunification," or returning back home with a parent, which is up almost 10% in recent years. (https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/foster.pdf) .  And yes, I entered into this whole foster care circus knowing the babies would go home.  That's the goal.  But that doesn't mean you don't get used to them.  It doesn't mean you don't love them and want them to stay.  

And, one of the biggest unknowns is also this:  there is no guarantee that after the child leaves how long it will be until another one comes.  The call could come the next day or the next year.  You could literally have an empty house for months and months and not get called (especially since I want babies and not older kids). 

Yes, it would be a great thing if there were no need for foster parents, but there are.  But it doesn't mean that you will be the one who gets the call.

Making The Agency know you want a baby and having them call someone else feels like being picked last in gym class.  Or not being accepted to your first choice college when you know you are qualified.  You are left with a sense of WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???

For me, it brings up allllll sorts of rejection issues and abandonment issues (which I am aware are MY issues and are illogical, but I'm being honest here).  It activates every loss, every time I was overlooked, every promotion I failed to get, every iota of not being good enough.

When I see a couple I know from The Agency with yet another baby, another one they got from the hospital, another one they are most likely going to adopt, I think:  damn, what am I doing wrong?

Is it the Halloween theme?  The too many pets?  The answers on my application?

Or is it just me?  

Again.